Free Injury Screening

   


A few years back I suffered an overuse injury as a result of over training for a marathon. I usually end up with some sort of running injury every year, but this particular injury didn't feel like most. The pain was just above my ankle on the front of my leg. I couldn't run down the block let alone 26.2 miles of a marathon. Over the following couple of weeks I made up my cardio work on the trusty elliptical machine at the gym. Right around the time frustration turns into desperation I received an email from my favorite running store, Dick Pond Athletics. The email outlined several sales going on at the time but it also advertised a free injury screening to be hosted by the good people at Athletico, a physical therapy and sports medicine place nearby. Perfect, I thought, I can get an idea of how long this will hurt and adjust my running accordingly. If only it had been that easy, you see, there's always free cheese in a mouse trap. Like a Swedish schoolboy I walk into the store happy to be there. They had me write my name on a clipboard and wait to be called. The screenings were happening right in the running store. A few awkward minutes of browsing and my name is called. I walk over to find the Athletico employee and completely lose any ability to speak. This women could've been a playboy centerfold. She wasn't a ten, she was a 20. She had blonde hair flowing all wavy like, she was thin and fit as hell with a set of canons, she was ridiculously hot. Of course I'm fumbling around looking completely foolish. She asks "where does it hurt"? It took every ounce of me to hold it together and tell her. She has me sit on a chair and take my shoe off. She squats down and picks up my foot by the heel and begins examining it. She's unknowingly rubbing my foot all over her boob. I just about hit the ceiling. The longer she massaged her breasts while examining my foot the further I was crawling up out of the chair. I was not prepared for this. My foot was rubbed across every inch of that breast. Had I gone in there under the pretense that I'd be feeling up the hottest woman on earth with my foot I probably would've been a little better equipped to handle it or ,more likely, avoid the whole thing. Your boy was looking dumb. I got played by a running store. I wish, now, that I could watch that situation play out. The look on my face. No longer relevant, but I had a shin splint right above my ankle.

*I'm not trying to objectify women at all. This is only meant to be comedy. Sorry if I offend anyone.

Surprise, you have a lot of running to do!

 



    Yesterday I received an email confirming my entry into the Chicago Marathon. My registration comes through the general lottery system that the marathon had put in place a few years ago. As I read through the confirmation email I was reminded of a Christmas day practical joke I pulled on my mom but the prank somehow ended up epically turning on my sister and brother in law in the process. It was a Christmas miracle  Let's review.
     The first weekend of December is an important time for me because the Fox Valley Marathon hosts their early registration event. At the time I was still very much trying to show the people around me that running is really important for your health and well being. I still feel that way, you may have heard me say "Running is my Religion". My mom has always been an active person. She rides her bike all the time and all sorts of other things too. She was talking, at the time, about doing some kind of athletic event to train for and improve her health but she has a bad knee so running really isn't in her wheel house.
     On Christmas morning my family exchanges gift like most of us do. For the Christmas gift exchange, however, my family draws names out of a hat and that's the person you buy a gift for, and as well, we put something in each others stockings. It's simple and it works. Well, this particular year I drew my mom's name from the hat. Expectedly, my mom said she wanted a bath robe from some high end store she frequents. I ordered it online. When it arrived I wrapped it real nice and set it aside. I also took the confirmation email sent to me by the Fox Valley Marathon and changed the pertinent information to my mom's name and address, printed that out and wrapped it in a smaller box.
     Christmas morning came and she is handed the fake gift. She holds it with much trepidation. She had to know something was up. She unwraps the box and pulls out this sheet of paper. Briefly scans the document and then asks me what it is. I respond "I signed you up for the Marathon! You were talking about doing something. Boom! I'll help you train and run it with you." She is immediately sent into a full blown hot flash. While fanning herself with the paper as her face turns bright red my sister yells "she can't even walk up a flight of stairs! You think she's running a marathon!" Her husband, Kevin, says "Sure you can, Kate and I will run it too! We were just talking about running." That's when Kate says "I wanted to have a kid next year!" and he says "What!!!" He was as shocked as the rest of us were overcome with laughter.
      I reassured my mom that it was a joke and she was not signed up for any marathon, presented her with the real gift, and she was pleased. She did take a moment to step out into the winter air to cool off and the following December we had a nephew.